Hello, my name is Defeated


“I’m going on a mental holiday.  I probably won’t answer your calls or return your emails.  I doubt I’ll get dressed or do any household chores.  I don’t plan on working or sewing.  I definitely won’t wash my hair.  I’ll probably cry.  As a matter of fact, I’ll probably sob. If you really, truly need me, you’ll have to come to my house and drag me out of bed where I’ll be snuggling my precious children.  But since I’ll be on a mental holiday, I can’t promise that I’ll react sanely if you interrupt me.”

That’s the status I really want to post on Facebook… instead I post, “Prayers, please.  :)”

Recently, my family’s world has been turned upside-down by a life-altering tragedy.  And for a few days, I was in a complete daze- sedated by drugs and reality.  But life kept going.  My phone kept ringing.  My email kept filling up.  People still had the same expectations of me.  Didn’t they know?  Didn’t they know that our lives were forever changed and I just need a moment to mourn?  Nope- They didn’t know.  They didn’t know because I pulled myself together, put on make up and braved the world, pretending nothing was wrong.  I smiled; I laughed; I ached.

Why do we do that??  Women are infamous for the fake smile.   Are we trying to protect ourselves from others or from reality?  Instead of braving the world with the ever-exhausting fake smile, why don’t we let others see our pain?  We’re all human.  We all hurt sometimes.   But we don’t shed that smile- we don’t show weakness.  Strong Christian.  Strong Mother.  Strong Wife.  Strong Woman.  That’s a lot of pressure, y’all.  That’s a lot of pressure on top of a broken heart and a family tragedy.  Why is there shame with pain?  Why can’t I just wallow for a while?

As I sit here, writing this, I see my husband (my rock) playing with my precious children (my joy) and I  have to thank God (my strength) that we are all here together.  And even though there are moments then I feel like I can’t breathe and my hands are shaking and my world is crumbling- I know that I DO have friends and family that will see us through this hard time… I know that my God is bigger than my problems and He will carry me through this hard time… When I’m ready to let them.  But for right now, I want to be sad.  I want to be angry.  I want to feel miserable and guilty and sick and defeated.  I also want to feel nothing and numbness and empty and alone.  Anything but comfort and happiness.  It’s too soon for happiness.  I know that we will get there, but today, I’m taking a mental holiday.  No fake smile, no braveness, and no make up to cover dark circles from sleepless nights.  I don’t have the energy to pretend today.  Today, I will cry.

Home Sweet Home


There are days that my heart literally ACHES for “home.”  Days that I would give just about anything to be back on my big front porch in Georgia having a cold beer with a girlfriend, laughing- or crying- or laughing until we cried.  Days that I grieve that kind of friendship…

And then there are days like today.  Days when this little town in South Carolina feels like “home.”  Days when I feel so incredibly blessed (yes, Jen Kish, BLESSED!) to have the life I live and share it with the people I do.  Days when I KNOW that God has placed us here for a reason and that reason is so clear.

I truly believe that God moved us to South Carolina to change us.  To change our eternities.  Red and I both struggled when we first moved here.  We were (and still are) very social people.  We moved from a place where we were ALWAYS with friends to a place where we not only weren’t with friends, but were certain that there were none to be made.  So, we put our little minds to work and started to brainstorm- “Where do people meet friends?”  That question sounds so crazy because we’ve always made friends easily and quickly through work and neighbors.  This move was different.  My parents were our neighbors and neither one of us was working… So where DO we meet friends?  Here’s what we came up with:  The bar or church.

We’ve been down the bar road before- and we made some great friends- however, we had young children now and were looking for a “different kind of friendship.”  One that involved play dates and family BBQs.  So that left church.  RELUCTANTLY, Red drug me to a few local churches-  I felt pretty confident that we wouldn’t be forming our new posse at ANY of them. 

Meanwhile: Due to our school distirct, we chose to enroll Liam in a private school.  We toured a few of them and decided on Emmanuel.  This was an exceptionally hard decision for me because both my older brother and myself had gone to a Baptist Christian school and ended up as Athiests.   I agreed to let Liam go to ECS as long as we would teach him about other religious options at home.  Red rolled his eyes and agreed (that’s mostly how he deals with my crazy).

Since Liam was going to attend ECS, we decided to give EBC a shot at the friend-finding.  There was a young couple with a child in Liam’s class that had invited us.  We went on a Sunday morning at 11:00 (because that’s what time chuch starts, everyone knows that!)… only we were running late, so we got there closer to 11:30 after getting the kids checked into the nursery.  Here’s a fun fact about EBC- it starts at 10:30.  So, we were literally an hour late and had no idea.  We sat near the back and thought it was so weird that they didn’t have any music worship prior to the sermon.  Red and I left that day knowing that we’d found something different.  Something special.  No friends yet, but we knew we wanted to come back.

Soon, that same couple invited us to come on a Wednesday night.  I’ll NEVER forget that first Wednesday night at Emmanuel.  As I sit here and remember, I have tears streaming down my face.  A young couple desperate for some friends would be forever changed that night.  We walked into a room that full of other couples our age… and they were laughing and joking… and they were actually funny… and fun.  The leader of the class at the time was starting a new study beginning that night on Christian Apologetics.  I had no idea what that meant, but I wasn’t stupid enough to admit it.  Thankfully, I quickly caught on- he would be proving the Christian faith.  PROVING it to an ATHIEST.  He had no idea who I was or what I did or didn’t believe.  He also had no idea that his little Wednesday night class would change EVERYTHING for me.  By the end of the Apologetics class, Red and I were different people.  Night and day.  The people in that class SHOWED us the Gospel- on paper and in their actions. 

And now, 2 years later, I get to call those people my friends.  I get to hang out with peope who make me better all the time.  I get to call those people on the phone and pray with them over struggles and triumphs of LIFE.  It doesn’t make me miss my life-long friends in Georgia any less, but it does make me so so thankful that He moved us here.  And here is really beginning to feel like “home.”

Self-Loathing Maniac!


With everything that’s going on with Charleigh, work, Next Steps, the Lions Club, CFPC (along with trying to be a good momma and wife!) – I’m feeling overwhelmed.  Like on the verge of a break-down kind of overwhelmed.  I’m not typically someone to wallow in self pity, but I think a little pity party might be in the cards tonight.  Yeah, I’m THAT girl tonight….

I find myself being short with my husband and kids. (Always the first sign that something in my life has gone awry.)  I am a child of God first;  I am a wife and mother second, and a volunteer and employee third.  So, if the third thing on my list is starting to affect and efffect the first two, I’m doing it wrong.  That’s sort of the theme here lately- “I’m doing it wrong.”  So, after I apologize to the 67 people I’ve been rude to over the last three days, I guess I should re-evaluate a bit and get back in the game.

But here’s the part that keeps me from ACTUALLY having a breakdown- remember when I said I was a child of God first?  Well, that comes with some MAJOR perks.  First of all is His GRACE.  Second is His power to change my heart.  He’s working on me everyday.  And He’s not done yet.  So I’m having a pity party tonight because I’ve been a jerk and I’ve screwed up at work and I’ve let some people down, but the good news is that when I go to bed tonight- its done.  I get to wake up to a new day and a new me.  Seriously, how great is my God!?

The RIGHT way to PRAY


I think its fair to say that most of us are under the impression that there’s no wrong way to pray.  However and whenever is good as long as you’re doing it.  WRONG.  Jesus teaches us how to pray with The Lord’s prayer.

I just spent about an hour watching Andy Stanley’s Prayer (Permission to Speak Freely) videos.  During these videos, Andy breaks down The Lord’s Prayer and teaches the way God wants us to pray… and why!

After watching, I rushed to my blog because I had to document this for future reference.  This is too good to forget!

If you have 50 or so mins to kill- watch these YouTube videos.  They will change the way you pray!

part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwm5qK0bubE

part 2:h ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LECEM1Ey5EA

part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pVr0kksAD4

I jotted down a few notes as I listened to the right way to pray…  Here’s what I wrote:

step one: Go to your room, and close the door.  Get intimate.

step two: Recognize His worth and praise it.  Declare His greatness.

step three: Surrender yourself to His will.  THY WILL BE DONE!

step four: Acknowledge your dependency.  Whether you have a little or you have a lot- its all from the Lord.

step five: Don’t spend so much time on what you need or want from God because He already knows!

step six: Don’t quit asking!  Your persistent prayer has the power to change the heart of God.

So, I’ve been praying WRONG.  How about you?

What’s for Dinner?


Before I had kids I used to say things like, “…my kids would NEVER…”  and “…if you can’t get a babysitter, don’t go out to eat….” and “…can you believe they let their kid…?”

Almost every single thing I said would never happen, has happened.  Maybe even happening right now.  I’m pretty sure everyone person knows the kind of parent they’re going to be…. until they become a parent.

Red and I took the kids out to eat with a few other friends and their families.  Our night started out with Charleigh insisting on sitting in the only “taken” seat at her table.  That beautiful princess sure can throw a fit and embarrass her momma like no other.  Following that, there was a fist fight over my scarf.  Calm down, I wasn’t involved.  Just Liam and Charleigh.  Justin followed that up with an order of Dr. Pepper (we don’t allow the kids to have caffeine).  After Red, Skye and Kyle finished up their drink orders, the waiter approached me for mine.  I told him what I wanted as well as drinks for Liam and Charleigh.  He asked me how many drinks were on my ticket.  I answered, “seven.”  He asked me again; I told him again.  He asked me AGAIN- I then told him that I was aware that seven drinks was too many, but that’s what we were working with- please move on.  After our food came, Kyle refused to eat because the Orange Chicken he ordered was too “orangey.”  Charleigh threw yet another fit because she and Liam had to split a plate.  Liam taunted her with her own fries.  Charleigh kept leaving the table to go into the hall… The entire night was a…. mess.  Five kids is a mess.  Life is a mess.  But that night- with my five kids, my grumpy husband, my good friends, their messy kids and messy lives-  was one of my favorites.

I can only imagine what other people were saying about our group…. As Charleigh was running off, Benjamin was throwing his sippy cup, Liam was throwing punches, Whitt was on his iPhone, and all the parents were just hamming it up, enjoying eachother’s company and knowing that SOMETIMES, THIS is LIFE.

I am not condoning bad behavior in public- all I’m saying is that every once in a while, its okay to eat your words.

Guilty As Charged


When you hear a fellow Mommy state that they do something differently than you, what is your first reaction?  It’s hard not to judge other parents’ techniques.  When you hear another mother admit that they let their six year old ride in the front seat to the grocery store as a “special treat,”  its hard not to let your mouth fall open in utter shock.  Its hard not to think that you are a superior momma.

Here’s what we must remember:  We’re all just trying our best.  Parenting is hard work.  And just because it doesn’t work for you and your family, doesn’t mean its wrong.  Well, letting your six year old ride in the front seat IS kinda wrong, but you catch the drift.

Bedtimes, TV hours, food and drink preferences, chores/allowance- these are all things that differ from family to family.  The next time you feel that urge to judge another family’s tactics, remember that they very well may be thinking the same thing about YOU!